Cancel Everything
(eBook)

Welcome to the universe of Absurd to Illegala genre-defying, logic-abandoning, cosmic fever dream where satire meets psychedelia and the divine smokes blunts with the deranged. Each chapter dives headfirst into chaotic quests, prophetic snacks, talking animals, and theological absurdity, all wrapped in narrative anarchy and glitter. Whether you're chasing moldy pretzel prophecies, navigating stoner-lit timelines, or decoding the philosophy of goats and video game glitches, one thing's for sure: nothing is sacred, everything is ridiculous, and the vibes are always high.Dude, Where's My Jump?Mark's attempt to test potent weed plunges him into a pixelated RPG tutorial. Guided by a booming narrator, hassled by verbose NPCs and sentient socks, and forced to navigate a roommate-turned-inventory-menu, his epic quest isn't saving kingdomsit's finding a bathroom. Between existential fishing and goblin dance-offs, Mark suspects this glitchy game might be frighteningly real.Cookie Crumbs & Crayon WarsWar consumes the suburban playground as Girl Scouts battle the Kindergarten Cartel. Camouflaged Thin Mint traps face finger-paint artillery, tricycle tanks navigate banana-peel minefields, and squirrels take sides. Amid juice-box diplomacy, knock-knock joke hitmen, and canceled naptimes, one thing is clear: it's not just about cookiesit's a sugar-fueled battle for playground supremacy.Terry's AlgorithmIn a rain-soaked alley, homeless Terrywith a rusty spoon, cracked-out laptop, and mind sizzling on industrial-grade crackdiscovers a pizza box whispering digital secrets. Decoding grease-stained revelations, he inadvertently invents blockchain technology. It's greasy. It's insane. And it sparks a digital revolution fueled entirely by pizza, plastic spoons, and chaos.Klan Bake SaleA hate-filled bake sale goes hilariously awry when cannabis brownies spark psychedelic epiphanies among Klansmen. Bigotry gives way to frosting-fueled enlightenment, white hoods become bunny ears, and RuPaul's Drag Race becomes gospel. Horses renamed Equality and Solidarity gallop as pastry councils offer redemption. Hate never stood a chance against edibles.Bark of the FedRandy, a kale-smoothie-loving stoner parked beside an avocado cult plotting guacamole-based world domination, is blissfully unaware his reggae-loving dog Pickles is secretly an FBI agent with a ukulele and gun. As a paranoid pigeon rants about lizard people, culinary chaos unfolds. The cosmic showdown will decide humanity's fateone snack at a time.The Alt-Right OrphanageAt Camp Liberty Totz's disastrous opening, a glitching robot eagle, glitter bombs, and Rance D. Freedomblaster's kale-fueled rant trigger orphan rebellion. Mastermind Timmy and his crew stage a sparkling coup, replacing flags with Che posters and launching manifesto-writing toasters. By the time smoke clears, revolution sparklesarmed with glitter, ideology, and burnt toast.The Gay Incest Abortion MusicalThe rainbow-hued Vomit Comet crashes in the Arizona desert, stranding a unicorn-obsessed driver, Shakespearean pervert, dubstep nun, sentient coat rack, and tap-dancing fetus union at a surreal roadside diner. Amid chili conspiracies and glittery rebellion, absurdity reigns as the troupe preps their next performancearmed with marzipan, holy water, and deep distrust of wombats.President BoingoIn Harmony Creek, Kevin "Boingo" McSnortle's fart-filled campaign rally transforms from local oddity to global phenomenon. Surrounded by cheering pigeons, protestors, and a collapsing chihuahua campaign manager, Boingo's viral fart-and-dance routine shakes politics to its absurd core. America's future teeters on gaseous chaosabsurd, unpredictable, and oddly mesmerizing.